Ah, the sex cruise. Here’s the thing with a sex cruise: there are two ways to talk about it. One involves laughing your ass off. Which, we have to admit, seems appropriate. The other is to treat it with the kind of detached apathy usually reserved for British Royal functions, as we saw last night on SportsCenter. Far be it from SMW to accuse ESPN of undersensationalizing a story, but in this particular case, Bristol dropped the ball entirely.
So SportsCenter leads with the news that four Vikings, including Culpeper, have been charged in association with the sex cruise. We got lots of footage of Sheriff Pat McGowan reading off the list of charges, and having to suffer through phrases like “manipulating a sex toy.” Which seemed to cause him considerable more distress than it causes us.
Now, the long and raunchy version of the story is easily available, proving again the phenomenal archival potential of the internet. Going into those details is not our purpose here, though we recommend the trip. What should be noted is that SportsCenter, in an attempt to make its coverage look all journalistic & stuff, completely forgot to answer the actual sports-related questions at hand, most notably that a January 5 court date could severly impact players’ availability for the postseason (which the Vikings, against all odds, are on the verge of entering).
Today, ESPN is running the story that Vikings owner Zygi Wilf will not hesitate to suspend players during the postseason if necessary. And as the Star-Tribune makes clear, Wilf’s suspensions could be done in accordance with or cooperation with league disciplinary policy. Which still does not answer the question that ESPN never even raised: since these charges have the possibility of jail time, what are the potential implications for the three players directly involved: Bryant McKinnie, Fred Smoot, and Moe Williams?
There may be a perfectly good reason not to ask that question, but if we’re asking it, we bet we’re not the only ones, and SportsCenter had an obligation to address it that it completely ignored.
Bristol vs. Reality: The Next Great Rivalry
Over the past few years, ESPN has invested a lot of energy in creating “LeBron vs. ‘Melo,” and every time the Nuggets and Cavs square off we get to hear about how these two are going to be the next Magic and Bird. So it was last night before the LeBron and the Cavs ran his career record against Denver to 2-3. Throughout SportsCenter, ESPN ran those little montages they do so well, all about different historical sports rivalries, albeit with some technical difficulties – somebody had some audio problems during Smoltz v. Morris, and the anchors had to chip in with an improv narration.
Which is beside the point. The point is that the AP story (linked above) has this little potshot against SportsCenter’s overdramatization:
“James and Anthony have met five times since they were drafted No. 1 and No. 3 overall in 2003. Denver leads Cleveland 3-2 in the LeBron vs. Carmelo era, a matchup that so far has lacked the intensity needed to become the NBA's next great rivalry.”
We like to imagine Joe Milicia, AP Staff Writer, slipping that one past the editors, with a little smile at the corner of his mouth and just a bit of spite in his heart. Joe Milicia, AP Staff Writer, we salute you. Nicely done.
Finally, Dan Marino Wins Something
Widely reported this morning is that CBS’ “The NFL Today” beat “Fox NFL Sunday” in ratings for the first time since CBS acquired NFL rights in 1998. The victory brings CBS's record to 1-129-2. Marino and the boys scored a 3.9, as opposed to Bradshaw’s 2.3, which is not an insignificant victory.
Unless you ask Scott Ackerson, the coordinating producer of “Fox NFL Sunday,” who gave The Los Angeles Times this juicy bit:
"Congrats to them … Having a record of one win, 129 losses and two ties since 1998 is certainly a worthy accomplishment. Seriously, all this means is that it is time for us to start another winning streak. If we can go undefeated for the next 132 shows, I'll take it.”
This reminds us of a sarcasm detector we once saw on The Simpsons. “A sarcasm detector? That’s a real useful invention…"
Seriously, Enough Comcast Already
This piece in this morning’s Newsday hinted at the first speculation we had heard that Comcast might be in the market for the NFL’s Thursday-Saturday packages, as mentioned here several weeks ago. At the time, we assumed that the NFL was compiling this package, and threatening to broadcast it on its own NFL Network, simply as a bargaining tool towards better mainstream network deals.
For the record, we still believe this: it is hard to imagine that the NFL would move any of its lucrative late-season Saturday games to Comcast, which simply doesn’t yet have the brand recognition or home penetration to be good publicity for the league. We just had to mention it because, well, clearly it’s a Comcastic week here at the Digest, and now we get to return to what you all came to see: hardcore Bristol-bashing.
Didn’t This Happen in Zoolander?
The Miami Herald reports this morning from the opening of the Michael Irvin Academic Resource Academy. No, I didn’t make that up.
Unfortunately, the story is mostly a rehashing of Irvin’s recent unpleasantness, which we don’t even need to link to. All we know about the Academy is that it is serving as the new learning center at Carter Park in Fort Lauderdale. We can imagine that Irvin’s considerable experience and resources could assemble quite a … <ahem> … curriculum.
And yes, the similarities to the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too are, well, striking. Hopefully these children will be able to fit into the building.
Still With the Digest, Less With the Daily
Next week, the Digest will be publishing less frequently due to holiday-travel-logistics-planning-shopping-family-etc.-related-reasons. Which is not to say we won’t be here: look for news on ESPN Mobile, more on the almost-nonexistent world of soccer coverage, and, oh yeah, the Colts. Got a tip or a question? Never hesitate to send it our way. |
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